A guide to gracious living...

My darling Santa gave me a wonderful Christmas this year involving fun presents and an only slightly awkward day with the future in laws. Oh, and a stomach bug, but I think I provided that one. It took down at least 10 people that I know of. Darn kidlets and their germs! Of the viral causalities were my parents so I haven't even seen them yet, their presents are still under the tree.

One of my most wonderful gifts is an update of something I already have. I have a slight obsession with old etiquette books and marital guidance books. In my collection is Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette from the 1950's. I've actually been using it along with Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings for all my wedding planning etiquette questions. Santa brought me the 50th Anniversary Edition of the Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette(!!!). I'm so excited that I can now use a little more updated information for my oh so traditional Big Fat Lesbian Wedding (as D has so kindly dubbed it). I wonder what Amy Vanderbilt would think.

Also, I finished designing my invites. They turned out far better than I could have imagined. Now we just have to finalize the details so we can get started on the slightly labor intensive process of actually making the invites. Just a peek:

Wedding Nightmares

I've now officially had two wedding related nightmares and I still have 11 months. Last night's was so cliche. I was having an 11am wedding (which I'm not) and it was 10:45 and I wasn't even close to dressed. I didn't have the baskets or leaves for the flower boys and I apparently had bridesmaid crashers. There were two random girls who decided they were to be bridesmaids instead of D's sisters. In my dream I kept telling everyone that that wedding would start just a few minutes late. Oh, and I kept getting lost and was driving around in circles trying to get to the venue. Every time I'd get going I'd realized I'd forgotten one more thing and I'd have to stop.

In the first dream, I hated my dress. It was the same color as the one I've picked out but the similarities stopped there. It was woven and thick and had a high collar and long sleeves. In my dream I was trying to keep it clean so I could return it just to realize it was getting dirty and there were pulls in the thread.

There are two major similarities in the dreams:
1. In both dreams it was like I was going to have a second wedding. I wanted to keep the dress clean so I could return it and wear the good one for the next wedding and in the second dream I kept thinking everything would run more smoothly the next time round. It must be the budding event planner poking through my subconscious.
2. In neither dream were the issues about D and whether I want to marry her it was all about the event and all the little things that could go wrong.

Venue Shmenue

Trying to find a wedding venue has me wanting to shoot myself in the foot and call the whole thing off. Perhaps the internet isn't the best place to stumble upon that diamond in the rough. I can't seem to find any outdoor wedding venue within 50 miles of Austin that costs less than $3,500 and also includes a ton of random fees that would surely knock that up to $5,000. And they all look so...so canned. Perhaps I'm unconventional but the thought of getting married somewhere that's perfectly manicured and covered top to bottom in twinkling lights and dew glistening flowers makes me ill. The last thing I want is for people to worry that they're under dressed or the kids to be bored beyond recognition (not to mention the adults!).

The truth is, however, that I think I've found the perfect place already. It's this private campsite in Driftwood, TX by the Salt Lick. We drove out Saturday so I could show it to D (I'd been there once before for a wedding reception) and she immediately said it was too rustic. But then followed up that she just wasn't sold on it yet. There's huge sprawling oaks everywhere and big stone picnic tables and the two pavilions are built with cedar trunks and tin roofs. I do acknowledge that the place is pretty monochromatic between the brown leaves, brown limestone, brown ground etc but I think we could easily fix that.

She wants to keep looking so I've been digging through the internet for that one place that doesn't look too made up and cost more than my first year of college and I can't seem to find it. I really think this place is it. I just have a little more convincing to do.

This is it, think I can make it work?

wedding porn

I want this invitation. I will never have this invitation. As lovely as this may be, I don't have the budget to spend $300 on invitations that will go up on people's fridges until a month after the wedding then go in a drawer somewhere or the trash. But even so...they're soooo pretty.

(Invitations found here)

ch ch ch changes

So it's been a week and we've already decided that a two-year engagement is absurd. The whole idea behind waiting was to pay of debt and buy a house. Well, I highly doubt we'll be able to buy the house we want in a year so I think we'll just be happy renters for a few more years. This means wedding!

As usually happens, this decision was made at 10:30 last night before what should have been a very early Monday morning. We then sat up until midnight talking about guest lists and officiants. I began my frantic search for something to write on because I just absolutely have to make lists - it's time to procure some sort of wedding notebook where I can make silly drawings and lists galore. Otherwise I'll end up with scraps of paper all over the place. In theory, I'd love to transcribe much of my brainstorming and note taking here - but I don't want to give up all my secrets.

We're setting a very slim budget (somewhere in the $3,000-$5,000 range, ideally less) and planning to do as much of the work ourselves as we can. I have an amazing and talented best friend who will be doing the photography at the wedding as well as engagement portraits and another dear friend who actually asked if she could shoot my bridal portraits (who would turn that down?). Due to my dear best friends success in the wedding photography world we had to set our date early to make sure she's available not only to shoot the wedding but to be there to hold my hand.

Now my mind is completely swimming in wedding plans:
The wedding will be a casual-ish, outdoor party in November. Decorations will be minimal. The colors will be autumn-ey and we'll use as much nature as we can, fall leaves and pumpkins and we'll raid the after Christmas sales for lights. We want to make our own invitations and found an inexpensive website to make save the date magnets -overnight prints. I intend to commission friends to make cupcakes and help with set up and clean up. I picked out my dress months ago (yes, I'm that girl) and we finally figured out last night what D might wear.

The one thing we have no real idea about yet is the ceremony. It will be purely a 'commitment ceremony' of sorts (though we both hate that phrase), seeing as we have no legal or religious rights to marry. In a sense we have absolute freedom to tailor our ceremony to us as we aren't bound by ordination. It will be quite an exercise in figuring out what part of our love and relationship we want to convey to our friends and family. I look forward to it, but in some small ways envy those who have it all spelled out for them.

Engaged!

We're engaged! Last night, after a long evening with my family, Diana got down on one knee and said the sweetest words I've ever heard. Of course the second she got down on her knee my mind went fuzzy. I wish I'd installed that secret web cam so I could record forever those heart-felt words. Then she pulled out my Grandmother's engagement ring and all I could say was "are you for real?" She said yes as she pulled out another ring and asked me to marry her. I immediately started to cry. And continued crying for the next several hours. I had to be prompted to say yes (even though I was already wearing the ring). It's still so surreal...we've been talking about it for months, but now to be engaged. Now that D is my fiance, my whole world is different.

We're planning a long engagement, November 2010. We have a lot to accomplish in the next 2 years, and it doesn't seem right to get married until we've taken care of those things. Now I'm on the mission for the perfect wedding that fits our dream and our budget.

Covet

I want this house. The trees and red garage door and the sheer old lady-ness of it makes my heart pitter-patter. It's too bad my credit is shot and we have too much debt.

Stop the H8

Today I joined over 3000 people on the steps of Austin's City Hall for a protest on California's Proposition 8. It amazed me the number of straight people who were there supporting their gay brother, sister, cousin, mom, friend etc...

We found out about jointheimpact.com last week and watched the site explode with national support. I printed out the logo "Stop the H8" on iron on transfers and made us t-shirts and this afternoon we headed downtown. Scared that no one would show, I insisted that we drive past first before hunting for parking. As we approached City Hall there were a few people walking around holding flags and signs. Then we turned the corner and it was amazing. All you could see were thousands of people with signs and flags and dogs and babies. It was so overwhelming being part of such a demonstration. But devastating at the same time, knowing we were all there begging for the right for gay people to marry. It seems like such a benign basic right. If you don't agree with two women or two men marrying, don't do it but why must you insist on taking away my basic human rights?

Now it's my turn. To get involved in any way I can and to vote vote vote. Until then I'll continue living my life in a relationship that is just as valuable as your marriage.

Squish

So I've turned into a complete and total mush-ball lately. I've become obsessed with wedding blogs and wedding photography. Most especially either or both of the above that feature same sex couples. I curl up on the couch with my laptop and read and read and tear up over stories of couple's magic day. I think it's becoming a bit of an obsession. I've started looking at wedding dresses and ring settings and caterers and venues. And I'm not even engaged. Though I suppose I might as well be. I'm in love. I knew when I met D 5 years ago that there was something special about her and what we had together. It took several years to get to where we are now, but it was worth the wait. Now I don't want to wait another minute. All I can thing about is standing up in front of everyone we know and love and sharing our love with them. I want to commit myself to our life together in front of as many witnesses as we can find. And babies. I want babies. Or maybe just one since it will be most likely be a lengthy and expensive process. My clock is ticking loudly in her ear and I'm sure is driving her crazy. But that's ok. I'll continue lurking on wedding blogs and saving pictures for my "wedding board" into a folder on my desktop and when the time comes I'll be prepared!

disillusioned...

I was that kid who made church pews out of scrabble square holders and had my barbies get married over and over and over. I watched Cinderella and teared up at the thought of that someday being me. I'd sit in church and day dream about how it would look when I got married there. I'd cut pictures out of my Seventeen and YM magazines to show what kind of dress I wanted (strapless, poofy, princess gown). I hit high school still day dreaming about my perfect wedding. Somewhere in there I started to realize that my Prince Charming wasn't going to be a man. That doesn't matter. I still want the dress and the flowers and the ring and the happily ever after. And so does she. She wants me to have that dream wedding I've always wanted. Hell she sends me links to wedding blogs (apracticalwedding.com Love!) and we aren't even engaged. Everything is perfect.

Except the church.

I grew up in the Episcopal church. I was nurtured and taught and loved and I've never once felt discriminated against. Until now and it absolutely breaks my heart. I'm supported and accepted as long as I don't expect the same rights as everyone else. As long as I remember that I'm different. What hurts the most is that there is no official discrimination. According to the Episcopal church the bishop can actually grant a priest's request to 'marry' a same sex couple. Unfortunately I live in Texas. I went out on a limb and emailed my childhood priest asking him where the church currently stood. He wrote me back this incredibly thoughtful and supportive email letting me know how happy he is to hear I'm happy and in love and that he'd be more than happy to provide pre-marital counseling for us but he can't marry us. He caught hell from the bishop for simply attending a same sex union much less officiating one. He explained that the bishop faces pressure from the fancy conservative high churches (thank you Houston and Dallas) who threaten to pull their funding if he so much as smiles in the way of same sex unions.

So that's it. I can't walk down the aisle that my parents walked down in the church where I was baptized and raised and taught about God and love and the difference between right and wrong because I'm gay. He kindly offered to talked to churches in California for us if we liked but it's not the same. I keep entertaining ideas of us becoming members of one of the gay friendly churches in Austin who will marry us but it's not the same. Maybe I'm being a stubborn kid about this, but it feels to me like having to go out and find a new parent to walk me down the aisle because, while my current parent loves and supports me, he doesn't agree with me marrying a girl so I'll have to find someone else to stand in. That's not love. That's not support. That's not acceptance. I think maybe it's time to do some serious lobbying to the new bishop in town or it's time to find a new church. Permanently.

good

My life is perfect. I have the job, I have the house, I have the girl. Today is our 1 year anniversary. One year since we lay sweaty and intertwined in a hotel bed and she asked me to be her girl. One year since I said yes. One year since we started this journey away from our past and toward our future. One year since she moved out, and I moved out. One year since we both escaped the screaming and guilt and anger. We have the most amazing love. We're kind to each other. We cooperate and communicate. After a full year of this I can't imagine anything being more perfect. I want to spend the rest of my life waking up in her arms.

school is for losers

Now I remember why I graduated from college. I hate studying. Hate. With an all out passion. I don't care even a little bit about the three waves in modern social history and their implications for organizations. Or even the key variables for creating a customer-responsive culture. I suppose I should, since I'm taking this course to theoretically advance my career. But it's after 9 on a Sunday, I have a test tomorrow I cracked the book for the first time yesterday over a whiskey and coke. I don't care.

At least I had a good home cooked meal today. D and I had lunch and birthday dessert at the parents today. It's always so nice to watch her interact with my family. They like her and she likes them and it's a very good thing because we're all going to be stuck together for a long, long time.

temper tantrum

Sometimes I wish I had better control of my emotions. I feel myself getting frustrated and annoyed and I try so hard to ignore it and push it away and it just doesn't work. I feel the lines between my eyebrows growing deeper and the muscles in my neck tighten up and my jaw lock. And I fight against it so hard but that act alone just makes me want to cry. I start feeling childish and immature. Like all I want to do is throw this huge temper tantrum and have her stop everything and fix it, but instead I scowl and blog and avoid eye contact. It's times like this that I envy the toddlers I work with. They wear all their emotions on their sleeves. If they want your attention they demand it. If they don't like what you're doing they throw their head back, unhinge their jaw and howl. That's what I want to do right now. I want to chuck the remote into the TV and stomp my feet and demand that she pay attention to me. I want them to go away and leave us alone for a change. I want her to show interest in what I've been waiting all evening to show her. I'm that little kid whose daddy is to busy for her. I've waited all evening working on silly projects just for her. Thinking about her, keeping busy so I'll be awake when she gets home...and she makes a drink and shoots zombies. I know work is taxing and she's stressed...but I miss her and I have this drawing that I want her to put up on the fridge...but she just doesn't have time. Maybe I'll just send myself to bed with no dinner.

wedding bells

My best friend is getting married. We're talking 12 year olds in Algebra class braiding each other's hair. Evening's spent sitting in front of Monty Python movies eating mint-choco-chip ice cream. Thursday upon Thursday spent in the back of Steve's truck "cruising" the drag. Trying to impress boys and then struggling with the reality of me being gay. Dealing with remaining best friends across the country when I moved in 10th grade. I love her like a sister and like her so much more. She is my family and I'm so incredibly thrilled that she's happy and in love. This moment we fantasized as love-sick teenagers. We've been through so much together and I'll never be able to articulate just how much this moment means.

reconnect

Part of entering the real world...the professional world...is learning how to juggle it all without losing sight of what's really important. I'm in love with the most amazing person I have ever met. We've been living together for a few months are are quickly approaching our one year anniversary. She works a fairly demanding job as do I. We're having to learn how to leave our jobs at work and come home and be together, truly together. We spend so much of our time sitting inches away from each other while being miles apart. Her mind is caught up in call stats and profit sharing, mine in enrollment and hiring. I wake up each morning with a to-do list at work already on the tip of my tongue. How can I truly be connected with this one who rules my night and day if I'm caught up in how I'm going to keep ratio in the toddler room on Monday. We were together last night...eye to eye...heart to heart...and suddenly everything around us melted away. We let go and were finally together. No work, no roommates, no exes...and I cried. I was so overwhelmed by how much I miss her that I cried. It was the most intense relief. Not to mention the most intense amazing night. I'm so completely in love and so completely happy. I never thought it could be this good.

Thank you, darling, for loving me so well.

and...

suddenly I feel like I'm in way over my head

good.bad.

Sending my girlfriend home to her parents' house for the night. Bad.
Lunch with a good friend I don't spend nearly enough time with and her two younger boys. Good.
Ross on a Saturday afternoon with infant in tow. Bad.
Hearing that my girl's little sister is asking about me. Good.
Having to sleep alone then get up early(ish) in the morning. Bad.
An hour in the house by myself for the first time in a week. Good.

paranoid much?

five six seven eight

The roommate dance is a tricky tricky dance that I obviously can't do without tripping - a lot - and falling on my face. I have two left feet when it comes social interactions...with my 2 roommates and girlfriend...so 3, count 'em 3 other people in the house. That's 4 people, a dog (soon to be 2 dogs) and a cat all living under one roof. I've only ever had one roommate at a time so this is a whole new experience for me. It amazes me how much innuendo and assumptions play a role. I have a bad day and suddenly the whole house thinks I don't like them. Or my house mate is cranky and I'm racked with guilt over whatever it is that I must have done to upset them. I think we finally hit the breaking point where we've figured out that we (gasp) actually have to talk to each other. I'm expecting it all be uphill from here. I'm learning that I can't always wear my opinions and emotions on my sleeve and sometimes I have to play nice simply for the sake of peace. I've never been all that good at that. But considering work stuff it's probably a good skill to learn. I always thought that once I got out of college my roommate days would be over. But here I am, almost 27 and having to learn how to live and play well with others. As long as I don't run with scissors I'm safe.

growing up

So I've always had this theory that when people grew up it just happened. You'd be living your life then suddenly blink and be an adult. I was wrong. I find myself in the most bizarre position of having to grow up. I've been in the same profession for years. 11 to be exact and I've certainly put in my time and worked my way up through the ranks. Last month I unexpectedly had the next big professional step fall into my lap. And now I'm questioning everything. Especially when it comes to my professional image. One of the big things I've always loved about my job was that jeans/t-shirt/flip-flops were my daily uniform. I have my ear lobes stretched to a 00g and tattoos on my chest. I've always been taken seriously by those around me as I've always done more than what was required of me and therefore earned more respect and responsibility. It's still those same people looking at me every day and having to answer to me but suddenly it's all different. Do I take out my earings? Do I make it a point to cover my tattoos? Do I actively hide the fact that I'm a lesbian? I feel too young to be in this position and am therefore trying to overcompensate to prove I really am a professional. It kind of makes me want to go back to my undergrad years.