June 7, 2008

temper tantrum

Sometimes I wish I had better control of my emotions. I feel myself getting frustrated and annoyed and I try so hard to ignore it and push it away and it just doesn't work. I feel the lines between my eyebrows growing deeper and the muscles in my neck tighten up and my jaw lock. And I fight against it so hard but that act alone just makes me want to cry. I start feeling childish and immature. Like all I want to do is throw this huge temper tantrum and have her stop everything and fix it, but instead I scowl and blog and avoid eye contact. It's times like this that I envy the toddlers I work with. They wear all their emotions on their sleeves. If they want your attention they demand it. If they don't like what you're doing they throw their head back, unhinge their jaw and howl. That's what I want to do right now. I want to chuck the remote into the TV and stomp my feet and demand that she pay attention to me. I want them to go away and leave us alone for a change. I want her to show interest in what I've been waiting all evening to show her. I'm that little kid whose daddy is to busy for her. I've waited all evening working on silly projects just for her. Thinking about her, keeping busy so I'll be awake when she gets home...and she makes a drink and shoots zombies. I know work is taxing and she's stressed...but I miss her and I have this drawing that I want her to put up on the fridge...but she just doesn't have time. Maybe I'll just send myself to bed with no dinner.

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