ch ch ch changes

So it's been a week and we've already decided that a two-year engagement is absurd. The whole idea behind waiting was to pay of debt and buy a house. Well, I highly doubt we'll be able to buy the house we want in a year so I think we'll just be happy renters for a few more years. This means wedding!

As usually happens, this decision was made at 10:30 last night before what should have been a very early Monday morning. We then sat up until midnight talking about guest lists and officiants. I began my frantic search for something to write on because I just absolutely have to make lists - it's time to procure some sort of wedding notebook where I can make silly drawings and lists galore. Otherwise I'll end up with scraps of paper all over the place. In theory, I'd love to transcribe much of my brainstorming and note taking here - but I don't want to give up all my secrets.

We're setting a very slim budget (somewhere in the $3,000-$5,000 range, ideally less) and planning to do as much of the work ourselves as we can. I have an amazing and talented best friend who will be doing the photography at the wedding as well as engagement portraits and another dear friend who actually asked if she could shoot my bridal portraits (who would turn that down?). Due to my dear best friends success in the wedding photography world we had to set our date early to make sure she's available not only to shoot the wedding but to be there to hold my hand.

Now my mind is completely swimming in wedding plans:
The wedding will be a casual-ish, outdoor party in November. Decorations will be minimal. The colors will be autumn-ey and we'll use as much nature as we can, fall leaves and pumpkins and we'll raid the after Christmas sales for lights. We want to make our own invitations and found an inexpensive website to make save the date magnets -overnight prints. I intend to commission friends to make cupcakes and help with set up and clean up. I picked out my dress months ago (yes, I'm that girl) and we finally figured out last night what D might wear.

The one thing we have no real idea about yet is the ceremony. It will be purely a 'commitment ceremony' of sorts (though we both hate that phrase), seeing as we have no legal or religious rights to marry. In a sense we have absolute freedom to tailor our ceremony to us as we aren't bound by ordination. It will be quite an exercise in figuring out what part of our love and relationship we want to convey to our friends and family. I look forward to it, but in some small ways envy those who have it all spelled out for them.

Engaged!

We're engaged! Last night, after a long evening with my family, Diana got down on one knee and said the sweetest words I've ever heard. Of course the second she got down on her knee my mind went fuzzy. I wish I'd installed that secret web cam so I could record forever those heart-felt words. Then she pulled out my Grandmother's engagement ring and all I could say was "are you for real?" She said yes as she pulled out another ring and asked me to marry her. I immediately started to cry. And continued crying for the next several hours. I had to be prompted to say yes (even though I was already wearing the ring). It's still so surreal...we've been talking about it for months, but now to be engaged. Now that D is my fiance, my whole world is different.

We're planning a long engagement, November 2010. We have a lot to accomplish in the next 2 years, and it doesn't seem right to get married until we've taken care of those things. Now I'm on the mission for the perfect wedding that fits our dream and our budget.

Covet

I want this house. The trees and red garage door and the sheer old lady-ness of it makes my heart pitter-patter. It's too bad my credit is shot and we have too much debt.

Stop the H8

Today I joined over 3000 people on the steps of Austin's City Hall for a protest on California's Proposition 8. It amazed me the number of straight people who were there supporting their gay brother, sister, cousin, mom, friend etc...

We found out about jointheimpact.com last week and watched the site explode with national support. I printed out the logo "Stop the H8" on iron on transfers and made us t-shirts and this afternoon we headed downtown. Scared that no one would show, I insisted that we drive past first before hunting for parking. As we approached City Hall there were a few people walking around holding flags and signs. Then we turned the corner and it was amazing. All you could see were thousands of people with signs and flags and dogs and babies. It was so overwhelming being part of such a demonstration. But devastating at the same time, knowing we were all there begging for the right for gay people to marry. It seems like such a benign basic right. If you don't agree with two women or two men marrying, don't do it but why must you insist on taking away my basic human rights?

Now it's my turn. To get involved in any way I can and to vote vote vote. Until then I'll continue living my life in a relationship that is just as valuable as your marriage.

Squish

So I've turned into a complete and total mush-ball lately. I've become obsessed with wedding blogs and wedding photography. Most especially either or both of the above that feature same sex couples. I curl up on the couch with my laptop and read and read and tear up over stories of couple's magic day. I think it's becoming a bit of an obsession. I've started looking at wedding dresses and ring settings and caterers and venues. And I'm not even engaged. Though I suppose I might as well be. I'm in love. I knew when I met D 5 years ago that there was something special about her and what we had together. It took several years to get to where we are now, but it was worth the wait. Now I don't want to wait another minute. All I can thing about is standing up in front of everyone we know and love and sharing our love with them. I want to commit myself to our life together in front of as many witnesses as we can find. And babies. I want babies. Or maybe just one since it will be most likely be a lengthy and expensive process. My clock is ticking loudly in her ear and I'm sure is driving her crazy. But that's ok. I'll continue lurking on wedding blogs and saving pictures for my "wedding board" into a folder on my desktop and when the time comes I'll be prepared!

disillusioned...

I was that kid who made church pews out of scrabble square holders and had my barbies get married over and over and over. I watched Cinderella and teared up at the thought of that someday being me. I'd sit in church and day dream about how it would look when I got married there. I'd cut pictures out of my Seventeen and YM magazines to show what kind of dress I wanted (strapless, poofy, princess gown). I hit high school still day dreaming about my perfect wedding. Somewhere in there I started to realize that my Prince Charming wasn't going to be a man. That doesn't matter. I still want the dress and the flowers and the ring and the happily ever after. And so does she. She wants me to have that dream wedding I've always wanted. Hell she sends me links to wedding blogs (apracticalwedding.com Love!) and we aren't even engaged. Everything is perfect.

Except the church.

I grew up in the Episcopal church. I was nurtured and taught and loved and I've never once felt discriminated against. Until now and it absolutely breaks my heart. I'm supported and accepted as long as I don't expect the same rights as everyone else. As long as I remember that I'm different. What hurts the most is that there is no official discrimination. According to the Episcopal church the bishop can actually grant a priest's request to 'marry' a same sex couple. Unfortunately I live in Texas. I went out on a limb and emailed my childhood priest asking him where the church currently stood. He wrote me back this incredibly thoughtful and supportive email letting me know how happy he is to hear I'm happy and in love and that he'd be more than happy to provide pre-marital counseling for us but he can't marry us. He caught hell from the bishop for simply attending a same sex union much less officiating one. He explained that the bishop faces pressure from the fancy conservative high churches (thank you Houston and Dallas) who threaten to pull their funding if he so much as smiles in the way of same sex unions.

So that's it. I can't walk down the aisle that my parents walked down in the church where I was baptized and raised and taught about God and love and the difference between right and wrong because I'm gay. He kindly offered to talked to churches in California for us if we liked but it's not the same. I keep entertaining ideas of us becoming members of one of the gay friendly churches in Austin who will marry us but it's not the same. Maybe I'm being a stubborn kid about this, but it feels to me like having to go out and find a new parent to walk me down the aisle because, while my current parent loves and supports me, he doesn't agree with me marrying a girl so I'll have to find someone else to stand in. That's not love. That's not support. That's not acceptance. I think maybe it's time to do some serious lobbying to the new bishop in town or it's time to find a new church. Permanently.

good

My life is perfect. I have the job, I have the house, I have the girl. Today is our 1 year anniversary. One year since we lay sweaty and intertwined in a hotel bed and she asked me to be her girl. One year since I said yes. One year since we started this journey away from our past and toward our future. One year since she moved out, and I moved out. One year since we both escaped the screaming and guilt and anger. We have the most amazing love. We're kind to each other. We cooperate and communicate. After a full year of this I can't imagine anything being more perfect. I want to spend the rest of my life waking up in her arms.