disillusioned...

I was that kid who made church pews out of scrabble square holders and had my barbies get married over and over and over. I watched Cinderella and teared up at the thought of that someday being me. I'd sit in church and day dream about how it would look when I got married there. I'd cut pictures out of my Seventeen and YM magazines to show what kind of dress I wanted (strapless, poofy, princess gown). I hit high school still day dreaming about my perfect wedding. Somewhere in there I started to realize that my Prince Charming wasn't going to be a man. That doesn't matter. I still want the dress and the flowers and the ring and the happily ever after. And so does she. She wants me to have that dream wedding I've always wanted. Hell she sends me links to wedding blogs (apracticalwedding.com Love!) and we aren't even engaged. Everything is perfect.

Except the church.

I grew up in the Episcopal church. I was nurtured and taught and loved and I've never once felt discriminated against. Until now and it absolutely breaks my heart. I'm supported and accepted as long as I don't expect the same rights as everyone else. As long as I remember that I'm different. What hurts the most is that there is no official discrimination. According to the Episcopal church the bishop can actually grant a priest's request to 'marry' a same sex couple. Unfortunately I live in Texas. I went out on a limb and emailed my childhood priest asking him where the church currently stood. He wrote me back this incredibly thoughtful and supportive email letting me know how happy he is to hear I'm happy and in love and that he'd be more than happy to provide pre-marital counseling for us but he can't marry us. He caught hell from the bishop for simply attending a same sex union much less officiating one. He explained that the bishop faces pressure from the fancy conservative high churches (thank you Houston and Dallas) who threaten to pull their funding if he so much as smiles in the way of same sex unions.

So that's it. I can't walk down the aisle that my parents walked down in the church where I was baptized and raised and taught about God and love and the difference between right and wrong because I'm gay. He kindly offered to talked to churches in California for us if we liked but it's not the same. I keep entertaining ideas of us becoming members of one of the gay friendly churches in Austin who will marry us but it's not the same. Maybe I'm being a stubborn kid about this, but it feels to me like having to go out and find a new parent to walk me down the aisle because, while my current parent loves and supports me, he doesn't agree with me marrying a girl so I'll have to find someone else to stand in. That's not love. That's not support. That's not acceptance. I think maybe it's time to do some serious lobbying to the new bishop in town or it's time to find a new church. Permanently.

good

My life is perfect. I have the job, I have the house, I have the girl. Today is our 1 year anniversary. One year since we lay sweaty and intertwined in a hotel bed and she asked me to be her girl. One year since I said yes. One year since we started this journey away from our past and toward our future. One year since she moved out, and I moved out. One year since we both escaped the screaming and guilt and anger. We have the most amazing love. We're kind to each other. We cooperate and communicate. After a full year of this I can't imagine anything being more perfect. I want to spend the rest of my life waking up in her arms.

school is for losers

Now I remember why I graduated from college. I hate studying. Hate. With an all out passion. I don't care even a little bit about the three waves in modern social history and their implications for organizations. Or even the key variables for creating a customer-responsive culture. I suppose I should, since I'm taking this course to theoretically advance my career. But it's after 9 on a Sunday, I have a test tomorrow I cracked the book for the first time yesterday over a whiskey and coke. I don't care.

At least I had a good home cooked meal today. D and I had lunch and birthday dessert at the parents today. It's always so nice to watch her interact with my family. They like her and she likes them and it's a very good thing because we're all going to be stuck together for a long, long time.

temper tantrum

Sometimes I wish I had better control of my emotions. I feel myself getting frustrated and annoyed and I try so hard to ignore it and push it away and it just doesn't work. I feel the lines between my eyebrows growing deeper and the muscles in my neck tighten up and my jaw lock. And I fight against it so hard but that act alone just makes me want to cry. I start feeling childish and immature. Like all I want to do is throw this huge temper tantrum and have her stop everything and fix it, but instead I scowl and blog and avoid eye contact. It's times like this that I envy the toddlers I work with. They wear all their emotions on their sleeves. If they want your attention they demand it. If they don't like what you're doing they throw their head back, unhinge their jaw and howl. That's what I want to do right now. I want to chuck the remote into the TV and stomp my feet and demand that she pay attention to me. I want them to go away and leave us alone for a change. I want her to show interest in what I've been waiting all evening to show her. I'm that little kid whose daddy is to busy for her. I've waited all evening working on silly projects just for her. Thinking about her, keeping busy so I'll be awake when she gets home...and she makes a drink and shoots zombies. I know work is taxing and she's stressed...but I miss her and I have this drawing that I want her to put up on the fridge...but she just doesn't have time. Maybe I'll just send myself to bed with no dinner.

wedding bells

My best friend is getting married. We're talking 12 year olds in Algebra class braiding each other's hair. Evening's spent sitting in front of Monty Python movies eating mint-choco-chip ice cream. Thursday upon Thursday spent in the back of Steve's truck "cruising" the drag. Trying to impress boys and then struggling with the reality of me being gay. Dealing with remaining best friends across the country when I moved in 10th grade. I love her like a sister and like her so much more. She is my family and I'm so incredibly thrilled that she's happy and in love. This moment we fantasized as love-sick teenagers. We've been through so much together and I'll never be able to articulate just how much this moment means.

reconnect

Part of entering the real world...the professional world...is learning how to juggle it all without losing sight of what's really important. I'm in love with the most amazing person I have ever met. We've been living together for a few months are are quickly approaching our one year anniversary. She works a fairly demanding job as do I. We're having to learn how to leave our jobs at work and come home and be together, truly together. We spend so much of our time sitting inches away from each other while being miles apart. Her mind is caught up in call stats and profit sharing, mine in enrollment and hiring. I wake up each morning with a to-do list at work already on the tip of my tongue. How can I truly be connected with this one who rules my night and day if I'm caught up in how I'm going to keep ratio in the toddler room on Monday. We were together last night...eye to eye...heart to heart...and suddenly everything around us melted away. We let go and were finally together. No work, no roommates, no exes...and I cried. I was so overwhelmed by how much I miss her that I cried. It was the most intense relief. Not to mention the most intense amazing night. I'm so completely in love and so completely happy. I never thought it could be this good.

Thank you, darling, for loving me so well.

and...

suddenly I feel like I'm in way over my head