Tree Stars are Falling

Still Alive

2010-12-03T09:45:00.002-06:00

I miss blogging. Now that I'm not buying a house or planning a wedding I'm afraid my day-to-day is hardly worth documenting. But who knows...maybe I'll find a good reason to ease myself back in.

Giving Thanks

2009-11-26T10:08:00.006-06:00

Thank you, from our wedding, in bullets:

For loving us
For being there
For speaking up
For supporting us
For taking care of the details
For taking incredible pictures
For giving the best hugs (repeatedly)
For that hug you said came from my dad
For coming even though you weren't comfortable
For expertly taking over set up and for staying to help clean
For commenting on your 4 year old's widening view of what makes a family
For proving to us just how big our family truly is. Thank you.

Newlyweds...again

2009-11-22T21:38:00.002-06:00

Last Monday we drove from DC (where we stayed) to a little town in Connecticut. There were narrow streets, tall trees, red bricks with white trim and a sweet older woman in the Town Clerks office who lit up when we said we were there to apply for our marriage license. We filled out our paperwork, held up our right hands to swear all the information was true then headed to a little park nearby to be married. We found a kind, slightly kooky officiant on the internets. She'd had a computer melt-down and so led us through our vows thanks to gmail and my black.berry. It felt so different from what we experienced the Saturday before. We worked for a year for what we had last Saturday. Surrounded by our families and friends, flowers, decorations and the results of lots and lots of work. It was incredible, hectic, fun, emotional and completely unforgetable. Monday in Connecticut was just us, the Rev. and those hum-drum legalities everyone takes for granted. I'm so thankful to have had both experiences.

So now we've been married twice. Once in the eyes of our friends, family and any higher ups who may be watching then again in the eyes of the state of Connecticut. I can only hope and pray that someday it'll spread. The queers will take over and eventually our marriage will be legal everywhere, without question or exception. Until then, we'll busy ourselves with wills, power of attorney documents and name changes.

Honeymoon

2009-11-15T17:23:00.004-06:00

I lived in Maryland from age 15-18. I wasn't thrilled with moving or being on the other side of the country from everything and everyone I've ever known. But one thing I did love about this part of the country was autumn. We're back here now, in DC, for our honeymoon. Strangely, we're here not just because we'd wanted to visit DC together, but also because I have a professional conference at the end of this week which makes this trip financially possible. The trees are incredible, the weather is beautiful. I couldn't imagine a better time to visit this part of the country (except possibly when the cherry trees bloom). Tomorrow we head to Connecticut for wedding #2 - the legal version.

As for wedding #1, I'm still wading through amazing pictures and trying to put it all into words.

[picture by me]

Hitched

2009-11-09T21:26:00.004-06:00

We got married Saturday. It was perfect and amazing so that I can hardly stand to write about it. I will though, soon, so I don't forget a single moment (as if I could).

Photos by Mary Sledd...certainly more to come.

Almost There

2009-10-06T10:27:00.003-05:00

We're mostly moved in. Most of our furniture and boxes are at least in the proper room. Most of the discarded packing paper has been bagged up and tossed in the garage. Most of the blinds have been hung. I'm mostly happy with our new house. There's almost enough cabinet space and almost enough natural light.

Everyone warned me of buyers remorse. And sure enough, after a few days of this is our house euphoria, remorse has set in. I drive by blocks and blocks of old houses on my new commute and they make me a little sad. Even the ones that are a bit run down have enormous trees and countless windows. They probably have original wood floors, weird nooks in the kitchen and cabinets and telephone shelves built into the hall. Of course that's along with their cast iron pipes and shifting East Austin foundations.

Then I remember that our house doesn't require fixing. The yard is great big and Dog already loves it. Dog and Little Cat also love thundering up and down the stairs. We've met our friendly neighbors across the street who told us about the farm we can walk to for fresh veggies, eggs and milk. I'm quite sure the remorse will fade as we get everything unpacked and all the empty boxes go the way of craigslist. I'm a certified nester and when my nest is in disarray I am too.

Picture: Big Cat feels about the same way about moving as I do. She spent almost 2 days in that cabinet.

Done and Done

2009-09-29T16:39:00.002-05:00

As of about 1:30 this afternoon we are officially homeowners.

Adoption Day

2009-09-22T16:05:00.005-05:00

I watched a family being born today.

Just after Spring Break of 2008 a giant, fussy 6 month old girl joined my infant class. She was restless, overfed and developmentally behind. Along with her foster family, we got to know her and over the next year and a half we watched her grow into a noisy, joyful and incredibly opinionated toddler. She went weekly to visit her birth mother who worked desperately to earn back her daughter. In August 2009, to everyone's surprise, birth mom and dad gave up rights to their little girl. I cried when foster-dad shared this news. Cried over all that birth mom and dad overcame and the maturity it took to acknowledge where this little girl belonged.

Today was her adoption hearing. Mom, dad and big brother beamed, cried and squirmed while little miss ran circles around the courtroom visiting laps and squealing at the attention. The room was filled with family, friends and caregivers all dabbing eyes and sniffling as the adoption lawyer talked about her forever home. After formalities, the judge brought big brother and new little sister to the bench where they banged the gavel and became a real live family.

The best part, a new middle name specially picked by big brother: Sunshine. Happy Adoption Day little miss Sunshine.

flickr: Travis County Courthouse

Almost Autumn

2009-09-15T11:46:00.004-05:00

I took a walk this morning. It was cool and overcast and that perfect kind of weather that threatens fall. I know it's a fluke, and it will be back in the 90's before the week is through. But this morning, in the pre-autumn breeze, I mailed our wedding invitations. Handfuls at a time into the weathered blue mailbox outside Nau's Drug Store where Mary and I used to get burgers and bill them to Sledd Nursery across the street.

Then I walked back to work, slowly, and opened my office window to let in a little early fall.

The View

2009-09-10T11:37:00.002-05:00

After months of fighting with old homes we gave up. It's obviously not the right time for us to buy a project house. Almost overnight we shifted to the opposite end of the spectrum. We are officially buying a brand-spankin'-new, never been lived in house. We've both spent a few days mourning the idea of what we wanted. We're now working harder than ever to think of what we can do to make this new house a home and how we can make sure it reflects who we are. It's really the practical decision and we're increasingly excited about it. We never imagined we'd have so much space or such a large yard. The location is remarkably convenient and there are real live trees that are more than a year old. The particular subdivision we're moving to kept as many of the original elms and oaks as they could. We have two slightly scraggly native elms (as pictured above, the view from our bedroom window) and a large, bushy persimmon.

This is the epitomy of a family home.

Practice Bouquet

2009-08-30T11:29:00.009-05:00

Yesterday we drove out to Texas Specialty Cut Flowers to pick up flowers for our bouquet practice run. The farm has a market every Saturday where they sell their flowers and produce along with things like raw milk cheese and goats milk lotion from neighboring farms. This weekend everything was self serve. There was a cash box and a calculator and a big sign requesting that people respect the honor system. We did, of course. We picked our two big bunches of flowers, a Mexican Coke (read real sugar instead of high fructose corn crack) and left our money in the cash box. Because it was self serve we were limited to mixed bouquets, instead of individual flowers.

With the help of the kitty, I separated all the flowers and cleaned off the leaves. Then I just used lots of floral tape and worked in a circle just like the DIY ladies on you.tube told me too. The bouquet I made yesterday is more the size what the bridesmaids will have and includes zinnias, coxcomb, pampas plume and some little spikey purple things. I'm quite glad we ended up with the mixed flowers. I never would have considered coxcombs (they look like fuzzy brains!) but the color and texture really mix well with zinnias. I'm actually surprised at how structured and solid it ended up. I can't wait to make the real bouquets! All 8 of them...yikes.

Here Again

2009-08-27T12:15:00.004-05:00

This is what the back patio on the potential house looked like yesterday afternoon. I'll save everyone from having to view the lovely stagnant water that is currently residing in the abandoned septic tank that the plumber unearthed yesterday morning. Though I have pictures of that too. For posterity, of course. And proof. This would be the very same septic tank the seller swears up and down is not in fact a septic tank and also swears that it has been filled with dirt. If by dirt they mean dirty water then they're right on. If not...then we have a problem. The house also failed the static plumbing test which means there's a leak somewhere in the sewer pipe. Awesome. Seems that putting cast iron plumbing directly into concrete is a really fantastic idea...until it isn't. Especially when jack-hammering up the middle of the living room floor becomes the only solution. Fortunately the plumber thinks the leak is above the slab, probably a drain trap from one of the showers which requires much less jack-hammer action to fix. This is assuming the sellers are willing to approve the work. Their agent is on vacation all week (!!) and our option period ends Monday. It's a shame this process is so horribly boring.

Progress

2009-08-21T14:22:00.004-05:00

Things seem to be progressing on the house front. As expected, the FHA appraisal came in well below the contracted price. Amazingly, the sellers are taking it and we've actually come to a negotiation that will work for everyone. I was beginning to think that wasn't even possible in the home buying world. So we'll do final inspections next week and pray that we don't find something that wasn't found in the other 2 inspections done earlier this year. Our projected close date is September 15th, and since I hear that closing is even more stressful the the rest of the process there will be no collective sighs of relief. Not yet. Until then we'll busy busy ourselves with packing and working on our list and trying not to loose all touch with the rest of the world.

It's easy to get so sucked into the vortex of wedding planning and home buying and "omg we have so much to do!" that we forget about those people around us who make us happy. This weekend we're beach bound with friends (and 2 of my favorite almost 2 year olds) after game night with other friends. We'll recharge our batteries with IBC Root Beer, board games, sand castles & sunshine and we'll be ready Monday morning to resume the maddness.

Picture: Our soon-to-be long hallway

To Do

2009-08-17T14:24:00.006-05:00

We're reaching that critical count down oh so quickly. It's been almost a year since I started devouring wedding blogs. The first of which was apracticalwedding.com. It was so gratifying to watch Meg through her final countdown, maintaining her perspective and having a grand ol' time. I can only hope to stay so zen in the coming months.

Here's my current 'must finish by the end of August' list:

~~Finish the invitations~~ (thanks to assembly line style help from Al & Angela 9/12)
Design and make the programs (so far this has involved lots of cursing at both Photoshop and my printer which has suddenly decided that it's anti-cardstock)
~~Reprint the RSVP inserts which have the wrong website address...oops~~ (also thanks to help from Al & Angela)
Finish my organza flower hairpiece
Finish the organza flower corsages
Finish bridesmaid oak leaf necklaces
~~Make a trip out to the Arnosky's farm when it is actually open and get flowers for a bouquet trial run~~ (done! 8/29)

Diana has her very own to-do list:

~~Stamp all the velum envelope liners~~
Finish ripping all of her million CD's so she can make the song list for the day
~~At least figure out if not purchase~~ and have altered ~~clothes for the big day~~ (yay! done 8/19)

And finally we must:

~~Write the ceremony~~
~~Finalize the text for our wedding certificate~~ (emailed to Steph who's making our gorgeous wedding certificate)
Complete premarital counseling
Finalize details for wedding #2 in Connecticut

Ok. Maybe it will be our 'must finish by mid-September' lists. We'll see. Unfortunately there's a whole different set of lists in the works for September so we'd better get to work!

3rd Times a Charm

2009-08-13T10:02:00.004-05:00

Or 3 strikes you're out?

We're officially under contract on a new house. Part of me feels that we shouldn't count our chickens before they hatch, but they're not being counted so much as documented. This blog is as much for me as it is for the 3 other people who read it, so I want to document as much of this process as I can. We're fulling expecting to have appraisal issues again (darn you FHA) but hopefully this time we can work it to our advantage. The home itself is wonderful. Built in 1961, orange brick, oozing with old lady charm (ie: pink tile in the bathroom). It's begging for a few coats of paint and new flooring but otherwise fits us perfectly. And so we begin that painfully stressful countdown of the option period, where we throw money at inspectors and beg the sellers to fix just one more thing. And maybe, just maybe this time we'll make it to closing. Hopefully I won't spiral into complete insanity between now and September 15th.

Sunday & Pens

2009-08-11T14:10:00.006-05:00

Since my dad passed away, Mom has spent much of her time rearranging and recovering and buying new furniture. The first thing she sent home with us was Dad's arm chair. I don't think she could stand to see it empty. Since then she has been slowly going through the condo passing on Dad's belongings. We've come home with several computers, a few hard drives, a modem and a printer. Once we move we'll be inheriting 3 7-foot bookcases and Dad's enormous sci-fi/fantasy first edition collection that currently resides in them (which we'll most likely sell the majority of). By no means do I think she's trying to erase him...I think this is her way of grieving and removing some of the day-to-day reminders (not to mention, she doesn't need 5 computers when she won't use PC's anyway).

I'm getting used coming home with boxes of Dad's left behinds....but I wasn't prepared for Sunday. Mom finally went through the desk in Dad's Ham Shack (N5UJ). My box included things like the cardboard kaleidescope I made him when I was 9 and the brass Texas Bicentenial belt buckle he wore anytime he wore blue jeans. It also included about half of his large pen collection. He treasured his pens. He used to tell me that he wrote too hard so using a fountain pen forced him to write gently. He always had one in his front shirt pocket. Always. He went through years of trying different pens to find the one he loved. His favorite for the last few years was a vanishing tip retractable fountain pen. I have two of them now. Along with the first fountain pen I remember him buying and several my Grandmother gave him when he started collecting. Maybe it's time to start caring about what I write with just as much as I care about what I write. Maybe I need to force myself to be more gentle and more intentional with my words. Maybe I still miss him an awful lot and wish he were here to guide us through this stressful home buying experience.

Instead I'll write with his pens and hope somehow I can channel a bit of his wisdom through the bright blue ink.

flickr: Namike Vanishing Point

Operation Invitation!

2009-08-09T22:13:00.008-05:00

Operation Invitation! I resolved, on Saturday, that I would finish all the evil stamping and embossing that was making me crazy. And then I realized I didn't have enough velum (I can honestly say that's the first time I've ever had that problem). I've done everything I can do up to finishing the envelope liners...the official light at the end of the tunnel. Now to wait until Ho.bby Lo.bby marks packaged scrap booking paper half off. Here's the bits and pieces thus far:
- printed on our home computer on cream linen textured card stock then layered onto dark brown linen card stock
- the leaves are stamped in colored ink then embossed with clear embossing powder
- the envelopes are cream linen and lined with clear/white velum stamped with the same leaf stamp as the invitations
- the RSVP cards are just an insert with the website address of our 'website' where people RSVP as well as my phone number and the street address of the wedding location
- the back of both the invitation and RSVP insert is stamped with acorns in clear ink then embossed with clear embossing powder
Texture is really big for both of us and since we couldn't do letter press or raised print we relied on heavily textured paper and the clear embossing of the stamps. I'm thrilled with the results. They're very autumn and very tactile.

I also realize that I mentioned the save the dates a while back but never posted them. I designed them in Ph.otoshop using one of the engagement portraits by Ms. Sledd then printed them through overnightprints. They have a shiny UV coating on the front and rounded edges. They were mailed in cream colored envelopes with different colored specks (they were on clearance at Offi.ce M.ax).

After managing to remove embossing powder off every inch of my body, we headed down to Zilker Park Hillside Theater for the Music Man. For the first time in a month it was below 120°F and breezy. We got sandwiches from Thundercloud and enjoyed a great production. Wonderful free stuff like that makes me so happy to live in Austin. However...I've been whistling 76 Trombones all.day.long.

Changing Gears

2009-08-03T15:24:00.000-05:00

We have officially walked away from the contract on the Gordon house. As wonderful and amazing as that house was, there were inspection and appraisal issues not to mention the seller and the sellers agent were amazingly difficult to deal with. We're hoping the 3rd time's a charm. We went out hunting on Sunday and found another very similar home that we're doing our homework on and will hopefully submit an offer this week. We definitely seem to have developed a distinct taste that we weren't so aware of the beginning. Three times now we've gravitated toward nearly identical houses that have the following things in common:
1. Built in the 1960's
2. Ranch style (wide with a lower roof line)
3. Red/orange brick or limestone
4. Big trees
5. Nearly quarter acre lots

In between house hunting and more house hunting we've been switching gears back to wedding planning. We're just over 3 months away from the big day and have a lot to do! I spent much of this weekend covered in ink and embossing powder (that effing stuff gets everywhere). Here I am stamping oak leaves on to the velum envelope liners for the invitations (please ignore the mess behind me, we've started packing and that bookcase has become the catch all for things to pack). Hand making your own invitations is an incredibly good motivation to have a very small wedding. Too bad I didn't realize that before I sent out the save the dates which I designed on photoshop and printed through overnightprints.com so were far less work. I'm really proud of the finished product though, assuming I ever complete more than just the prototype.

A Day Off

2009-07-26T11:36:00.000-05:00

Since we've officially been granted an extension on our option period, we've met with every possible contractor and inspector and our Realtor has helped us to come up with a list of requests, we decided to take yesterday off from caring about the house. We got all dolled up and went to see Tori Amos at the Long Center. It's my first time going to the Long Center and I must say it was beautiful. We had great seats for a spectacular performance and the view of down town from the terrace was incredible. After a wonderful show we went to Kerby Lane south for queso and a sandwich. Quite the perfect date night.

And now we go back to waiting for a response from the seller on our requests (demands?).

Inside Out

2009-07-22T17:00:00.000-05:00

I can now say I've seen the inside of a sewer pipe. Specifically a sewer pipe that contains a big fat root from the lovely tree in the front yard. I've also seen an ancient roof with hail damage and rotten plywood. And last but not least, I've seen exactly what an exterior electrical panel should not look like. We knew there was a problem when 4 consecutive people (2 building inspectors and 2 licensed master electricians) took the cover off, cocked their head to one side, stared for about 5 minutes before shaking their heads and saying "what the HELL did this guy do?!". The only good news...no termites!

Now for negotiations. If seller-man won't at least bring the electrical work up to code and replace the roof (or give us back the money to do it ourselves) then this house may not be ours after all. I mean really, who wants to buy a fire trap with a leaky roof and a clogged toilet? All the cosmetic stuff is amazing...new wood floors, tile and carpet, new cabinets and appliances, new light and plumbing fixtures. But what good does that do it when it's charred and soggy. Very little, I'd say.

Learning Curve

2009-07-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

We had our official home inspection Sunday morning. It was nerve racking waiting to see what all is wrong. This was also the time everyone came to check out the house. At one point D's dad and the inspector were up on the roof bouncing up and down while my mom wandered around measuring things. My dear friend Amanda came by with her son, Ronan - who's almost 2. He inspected the big sticks in the back yard and made sure to check all the doors for us (don't worry, they work). Amanda's dad is a building inspector and he provided a 3rd (4th? 5th?) opinion for us along with an idea of what work needs to be done. Fortunately, it's a pretty solid little house it just has some electrical issues and could really stand to have a new roof due to past hail damage.

On Tuesday we'll have a hydro-static plumbing test and termite inspection as well as meet with a roofing company and an electrician to get bids on the work that needs to be done. I feel like I'm learning so much through this process, but it's still really overwhelming. I don't want to miss a single step and end up with a really expensive problem. I'm beyond excited about starting completely fresh with D in a house where we'll hopefully live for a long long time.

How about a half-bath today?

Progress

2009-07-17T15:44:00.000-05:00

So after a full week of pulling our hair out we have a contract. Not a full house yet, just a contract...but at least that's something. Inspections are schedule for this weekend and hopefully in 30 days - give or take - we'll have a real live house of our very own.

Now to tease with another, though slightly less obscure, picture. Enjoy...

Tick Tick Tock

2009-07-13T15:34:00.000-05:00

So we're a whole 50 hours away from our offer and we still have no word from the seller. Our Realtor called on rant-mode about how unacceptable it is to hold an offer this long with no response and that she was going to call and demand a response immediately. Here! Here! Of course that was 3 hours ago. So much for immediate.

This process definitely helps me understand why people by new homes. You sit down and negotiate the features of your house like a new car. There's no one waiting to outbid you and no seller holding out for the best offer. But we want an old house. With trees and a story and neighbors who've been there 40 years. Silly us for being so picky.

picture: Flickr squared circles - clocks

Fingers Crossed

2009-07-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

Alright World, please keep your proverbial fingers crossed. We just submitted an offer on a fantastically wonderful little house. Out of pure superstition there will be no pictures until we know more. In the mean time...enjoy the back yard in all it's ginormous glory.

Nap Time

2009-07-09T10:31:00.000-05:00

Zipper was spayed last week and we were told to keep her calm for about a week after surgery. Has anyone ever tried keeping calm a kitten who is thoroughly convinced that she is, in fact, a grown dog? She plays non-stop with our dog, Betsy, she cries at the door when Betsy goes outside and eats dog food (!?) when Betsy eats. Maybe we'll make youtube fame if she ever decides to start barking. When she does decide to sleep, however, she's awfully cute and cuddly.

picture: D napping with Zipper

How do people do this?

2009-07-08T19:30:00.001-05:00

That would be the question D and I have been asking each other these past few weeks. How do people juggle demanding jobs, plan a wedding, buy a house and not kill each other? D's work has gotten particularly hectic lately and we're four months away from our big day. Oh and every single other person within a 30 mile radius of Austin, TX is trying to buy their first home and we all have the same budget. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that we're in a position to buy a home especially while interest rates are so low, but this process is making me crazy.

Every single home we drive by or go into (pictured above) has something majorly wrong with it or someone beats us to the punch and snatches it up before we have a chance to put in an offer. In case anyone's wondering, all of the above houses have some or all of the following problems:

It's already under contract.
Someone outbid us.
It's in a really scary neighborhood.
The surrounding houses are in trashy awful disrepair.
The foundation is heaving, sloping, cracking or otherwise sinking into the earth (most common problem).
It's too small.
It has no yard.
It has aluminum wiring.
It requires more work than we can afford to do.
It's downwind from a landfill.
It was built during the eighties.
It's in a subdivision that reminds us both of Children of the Corn.
It's in a subdivision where there are no trees taller than the houses.

What I'm having the most difficult time with is all the emotional ups and downs. Our Realtor tells us to sit in a house we like and imagine ourselves there....to see if we fit. So we do that. We drive by to see if we like the neighborhood, we look at the pictures over and over to imagine where our furniture will be. We imagine family dinners and where the Christmas tree would go. Then we go in the house and find that it's slowly sliding downhill and we have to scratch it off our list and mourn the loss of this theoretically perfect home. Rinse and repeat. Our realtor insists that it's just a waiting game and the perfect house is still out there, just waiting to go on the market...but we're starting to feel a little beat up by this process and we're taking it out on each other. How do people do this?

June

2009-06-28T19:32:00.000-05:00

The world has been a busy place this June. D's little-est sister graduated from high school as the valedictorian. She quoted Emerson in her speech and made us all cry. D's family had quite a graduation party for her, but my all time favorite part was sitting on their back porch. I could spend hours on that porch drinking coffee and talking to D's mom about crocheting. The view is amazing.

My birthday came and went. I feel like I've spent the last year making the transition from adult to grown up and now, at 28, I don't feel like such an impostor. We had a nice quiet dinner with friends followed by amazing chocolate goodness from Central Market. D's middle little sister showed up at my school with flowers from her and D since D couldn't get away from work. I decided a long time ago that I wanted zinnias for the wedding. And the beautiful bouquet on my desk confirmed that.

We went camping the weekend after my birthday. It was beautiful and hot. We spent the weekend alternating between hiking and sitting in very small waterfalls reading. We ate the requisite hot dogs and roasted marshmallows and enjoyed our lack of cell phone service and Netflix.

The wedding is just over 4 months away and my current project is organza and tulle flowers for mom corsages and hair decor. It was a bit of a challenge finding fall colors at the beginning of the summer, and I keep burning myself...but otherwise I absolutely love the way they're turning out. I'm finishing them with seed beads and vintage buttons. And the kitten keeps trying really hard to run off with my scraps.

We've started spending all our evenings and weekends house hunting. Houses in our price range move incredibly quickly so we keep finding that perfect house and a moment later it goes under contract. Fortunately there's a lot on the market and our Realtor, Abbe Waldman, is amazing. I can't wait to post pictures of the elusive new home...once we find it.

Sweet and Bitter

2009-05-26T12:26:00.000-05:00

As sad as it is to see one more state uphold it's ban on same-sex marriages, I'm relieved and comforted to know that my friends and peers who are part of that 18,000 are still married. Until the rest of the country comes to it's senses we'll just protect ourselves legally as best we can and keep trusting in the support of our friends and family. We've received unexpected support from colleagues, family and old family friends and those family members who were less than accepting seem to be slowly coming around.

D and I offer no apologies to those who disagree with our lifestyle. We'll continue living like any other engaged couple staying up until the wee hours making invitations, agonizing over the idea of pre-wedding diets and looking for a new house.

Honeymoon!

2009-05-24T22:07:00.001-05:00

In true practical fashion, we will be combining our honeymoon with a professional conference. We'll spend a few days running around the D.C. area being touristy and visiting old buddies from my Maryland days then I'll spend 4 days at a conference while D takes in the museums. And the best part, my school will pay for my flight and our hotel during the conference. We've been talking about going to D.C. for a while so this presents the perfect opportunity to get away in the most cost effective way possible. We're thrilled! Now to find the perfect hotel...

Rings

2009-05-24T17:33:00.000-05:00

I've known for years that I would inherit my Grandmother's wedding set once my time came. What I didn't know, was whether I'd wear it as is or have the diamonds reset. Once D and I were officially engaged I retrieved the rings from my parents. My Grandmother's rings were actually in their second incarnation. The original set was very small and simple and all white gold with the date 1937 engraved on the inside. In the mid-sixties or seventies, once the kids were grown and my grandparents were doing well financially my Granddaddy had the rings remade. The new set was gorgeous but much larger and flashier and lost much of it's 1930's deco charm. Grandmother never liked it and once my Granddaddy died she put the central diamond into a plain gold solitaire setting that she wore until she died. Now the diamonds are ours.

We worked with goldsmith Steve Kriechbaum who created a lovely set of rings incorporating Grandmother's diamonds into both our rings along with recycling the gold from both my Grandmother's ring sets (I kept the original set with their initials and the date engraved -- too much history to melt them down). The three diamonds set in the wedding bands represent Orion's Belt which served to connect us during the years we were apart. I love knowing I'll wear these rings every day for the rest of my life.

meet Zipper

2009-05-05T16:00:00.001-05:00

She literally showed up on our front porch 3 Mondays ago and has since clawed, chewed, furred and licked her way into our hearts. I've been begging for a kitten for months, but we'd decided to wait until we moved. Zipper had other ideas. She is Betsy the dog's new best friend, though I think the incessant attacking and ankle chomping is wearing Betsy out. She is Spud the cat's new arch nemesis. Zipper isn't even the slightest bit scared of the Spud and chases her around the house despite being hissed at.

When Zipp isn't gnawing on our ankles or fingers or elbows her favorite place is curled up with us on the couch. I love her even if she is sharp and pointy.

button-ierres

2009-05-03T11:59:00.000-05:00

We're back in planning mode now that we're almost exactly 6 months away from the big day. In the last couple weeks I've ordered the save the dates (yay for 50% off on Overnightprints!) and addressed most of them, ordered the envelopes for the invitations and made the boutonnieres. D has started working on the music list (hopefully it won't all end up being game-boy derived). Oh, and last weekend we went to City Wide Garage Sale with my mom and found a bunch of $2 vintage table cloths. Most of them are a bit stained, but hopefully nothing a little Biz can't fix.

I made boutonnieres for Diana and Al (who is our unofficial officiant) as well as D's Dad and Papa. We're not at all sure whether either of them will chose to come, but I'm certainly going to be prepared. I also made two little boutonnieres with pin-backs for Ronan and Cooper - our flower boys. The boutonierres may not be the most original, but I think they really suit our wedding and the colors are perfect for fall. The buttons are a mix of old vintage buttons that I've been playing with and sorting since childhood, and new buttons I've acquired over the years.

It's so exciting feeling like we're really getting ready to make this happen.

I'll post pictures of the Save the Dates once I know anyone who reads this blog has received theirs, I don't want to ruin the fun.

Shrug

2009-04-16T16:05:00.001-05:00

To keep my shoulders warm for a November wedding.

I just picked up the pattern for this gorgeous shrug from Crocheteria on Etsy. I absolutely love her designs! My future sister-in-law, Emily, has become quite the crochet queen lately and has agreed to make this for me. I can't wait to go pick out the perfect shade of orange to match an autumn day and my flowy ivory dress.

Tiny Green Thumbs

2009-04-10T16:04:00.001-05:00

This is why I love my job. The younger toddler class has planted a garden. They planted green bean seeds in little plastic cups which have been transplanted to the garden along with poles for them to climb. Their teacher also planted lettuce, tomatoes, basil, bell peppers and flowers that they help water each day. And today they planted onions themselves and watered them. We're talking about kids just over a year old. Children are amazingly capable when we allow them to be.

piece by piece

2009-04-08T18:44:00.000-05:00

It's been just over a month and I feel like I'm sort of coming out on the other side of much of the initial, visceral grief. The grieving process has been so new and strangely interesting to experience. Projects are my friend. The one thing I kept from my father was his massive tie collection, many of which I can remember picking out for him while growing up. In true crafty fashion I have spent hours dissecting the ties, removing the lining and ironing them flat. I'm now working on making several small quilts from the ties to give to my siblings. The hours I've spent working with my hands has been quite therapeutic....though I'm sure the bits and pieces of ties everywhere are driving D crazy.

Oh, and we're buying a house. Eeek!

Two weeks later

2009-03-19T01:08:00.001-05:00

It's been 2 weeks since my world was turned completely upside down. I toyed with the idea of abandoning this blog completely, I'm not at all sure anyone reads; but my life hasn't stopped, just changed. All the initial craziness of flowers and casseroles and services has subsided and family has returned to their corners of the world. Now I'm left with the daily realization of life without Dad.

D has been amazing through out all of this. She sat with me on mom's couch for nine hours straight two Thursdays ago. This has been her initiation to our family. She's stuck with me now.

My thoughts on our upcoming wedding have taken on a somber tone. I can't think of that day without sadness of who won't be there. Mom is selling the Airstream, she can't travel alone so that's out. No big deal, just an absence. But the big one...who will walk me down the aisle?

Gerald Allen

2009-03-05T18:17:00.000-06:00

My dad passed away this morning. Suddenly. Out of no where. I might be a little quiet for a while.

Farewell, February

2009-03-01T17:43:00.000-06:00

I've never been quite so happy about seeing a month end. Here's to hoping my March calendar won't look quite so crazy.

Happy Almost Heart Day!

2009-02-13T09:45:00.000-06:00

I'm usually such a scrooge when it comes to Valentine's day, but this year I've gone all out. I was up until midnight last night making button flowers and cards for all the teachers who work for me (I direct a small child dev. center). The flowers are pins that are just stuck through the card. Everyone's running around the center wearing their flowers today.

I love it!

And as promised here are the lovelies from East Side Bride in all their gold-leafed glory:

Thank you First Milk for putting together the swap! I can't wait until next year!

Don't divorce my friends...

2009-02-12T10:31:00.000-06:00

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

I'm famous

2009-02-12T09:01:00.000-06:00

Mary Sledd, my best friend and wedding photographer extraordinaire was featured Tribeza for her lovely wedding in October, for which I was the maid of honor. It never occurred to me that I might make the cut. But here I am...in all my bridesmaid glory...looking slightly cranky.

Wally Byam is my hero

2009-02-11T14:04:00.000-06:00

D has been working like a crazy person lately so we took the afternoon last Saturday and drove to San Antonio where my parents were attending a Vintage Airstream Rally. It's a cult, really, those Airstream people...and I hope to someday be one of them.

This is my parents Airstream, with my little silver car behind it and Dad's big silver truck in front of it.

We're actually planning to use the Airstream for dressing on the wedding day. Since the wedding will be held on a camp ground, the parents have agreed to park their for the night/day so we can store stuff there on Friday night and can finish getting dressed there on Saturday. Consider it a super mobile bride's room. I'm hoping to get some neat photo's featuring the Airstream on the day of.

My dad was very excited to show me his new toy: a dragon for the tow post thingy (technical term). A scary dragon at that. No one's going to mess with his Airstream. I guess I'll have to start calling him St. George.

Other than that wedding planning has kind of hit a lull at the moment. We've done most of what we can for the time being. The paper I want to use for the invitations is half price this week so I suspect a craft trip will come soon. Until then I'll keep making valentines with leftover fabric samples and buttons.

2009-01-29T08:34:00.000-06:00

Mary posted about our portrait session on her blog. More pictures!

Engagement Pictures

2009-01-27T16:56:00.001-06:00

On Sunday, Diana and I went out to Camp Ben (where the wedding will be) with the amazing Mary Sledd and took engagement portraits. We had a ton of fun and came out with some really beautiful pictures. I don't want to be one of those crazy couples with pictures of ourselves all over our house...but I'm not sure I can resist the vanity. Maybe a nice album will have to suffice.

Acorns and Flowers

2009-01-22T08:56:00.000-06:00

I've started playing around with the buttons and felt. They were cute, but somehow too cartoon-ey. I kept trying to imagine my father with a felt/button boutonniere and I just couldn't see it. I was on the verge of giving up when I came across a fabric sample book of wonderful material. One of the parents at the school where I work is an interior designer and she donated a ton of fabric sample books (the kids love exploring the colors and textures and most of the books have handles so they make great 'purses'). There's not a word of English on the sample books so I don't know exactly what the material is, but it feels like really thin wool felt. The material is in really great fall/winter tones of warm reds all the way to a dark charcoal grey. I started working with it last night and created my first full boutonniere. I like that the material is thinner so a little easier to work with and layer and the colors are so amazing. I'm finally happy with what I'm coming up with. I'm afraid I don't have enough material, or enough colors to make pieces for everyone so I'll need to do a bit of fabric searching, but at least now I feel like I'm on the right track.

Busy Busy

2009-01-17T13:15:00.000-06:00

This morning we had a meeting with Steve Kriechbaum who is an incredibly talented jeweler in Austin who also happens to go to church with my parents. He will be using the diamonds from my grandmother's engagement and wedding ring to make our wedding rings. I'll have an engagement and wedding band and D will have a wedding band. I'm so excited that we'll both have rings that came from my grandmother's set. I also love that we're able to use a talented local artist while receiving the "I sing in the choir with your mother and think you're dad is a cool guy" price consideration. He was really open to our ideas so I know we'll be thrilled with the results. Now we wait.

This afternoon the amazing and talented Mary Sledd will be taking our engagement portraits. Should be fun! Even though I'm probably one of the least photogenic people on the planet.

**Edit: engagement portraits were postponed. Mrs. Sledd had something come up. Fortunately, however, since D and I were in the process of establishing that we had nothing to wear when she called.

Button Jars

2009-01-16T14:28:00.000-06:00

I've been toying with the idea of making button and felt boutonnieres and corsages for the wedding instead of live flowers. I went and found felt last night then sat down to 'organize' my buttons. I have jars full of buttons that I inherited from my mother (I actually remember playing with them as a child). I separated out ones that I wanted to use and hope to start building flowers this weekend. I figure I have quite a while to make them or to decide it doesn't work. I'll keep you posted.

Fake Wedding

2009-01-16T13:45:00.000-06:00

Back before D and I were even engaged I was stressed about who would perform the ceremony. Since becoming engaged I've spoken more to my childhood priest and he has recommended a Unitarian Universalist minister who would be willing and able to perform the ceremony. We expect to meet with her sometime next month to see if we hit it off and then look into doing our premarital counseling with her. I still want to stamp my feet and shout that it's just not the same. But I'm reaching the point where I'll take what I can get. I find myself so jealous of straight couples who have the support of the government as well as any church they may favor. No one questions the legitimacy of their marriage or has the audacity to call it a 'fake wedding' (thanks, sis). It all makes me so sad. In the face of the thrill of my new forever life with D and all the exciting support from friends and the sheer enjoyment I get from planning, I'm still sad.

When Father H. wrote to me about the U. U. minister he closed with the following paragraph, it broke my heart:

All other arrangements for the ceremony of union need to be worked out without my involvement owing to the position the Diocese of Texas has taken. It breaks my heart to say so, but that includes the use of the St. G's Church building itself if you were thinking at all of having the service here. As with clergy, so with the church building, the Diocese has taken a very clear position that we cannot participate in a same-gender union. That does not extend to my being present at the ceremony in November, and I hope you will think of inviting me and your friends at St. G's to be present, support you with our love, and wish you all the joy and happiness in the world.

Tiptoe Tiptoe

2009-01-08T15:04:00.000-06:00

Ever since the beginning of this wedding planning process I've tiptoed around the whole idea of marriage. While reading through potential ceremonies I'd change pronouns and omit whole sections that make too much mention of the specific nature of marriage. All to avoid offending those who may feel that our wedding will not produce a valid marriage. I've even go so far as avoiding the term wedding all together on the invitation mock-up and wedding website.

A dear friend's mom calls it 'the joining' because she doesn't think the word wedding fits. While that's somehow sweet, and a better response than I expected from her, it's so so much more than a joining. We're joined already. We live together, pay bills together, do laundry together. Every facet of our lives intertwine.

Well I'm done tiptoeing. We're getting married, dammit. So we can't file joint taxes and need all sorts of documentation to make sure we're protected as a couple, so what? I can show you plenty of "legitimate" marriages that are anything but. Marriage means that we are bound to each other by love. That we intend to spend the rest of our lives serving each other through better and worse, sicker and poorer etc. How dare you tell me that's no marriage. If you don't like it, if you don't think it's real, if you don't support our union then don't come.

Winter Break

2009-01-03T18:00:00.000-06:00

We spent our winter break completely immersed in wedding planning. Now that I'm back at work I have to focus on staging a big fundraiser and opening a new classroom. No time to spend at work gazing at wedding garb.

During the break we managed to book our venue and photographer and have signed the appropriate contracts and put down the appropriate deposits. Mrs. Mary Sledd Owens will be my photographer extraordinaire. She's been my best friend since we were 12 and there was never any question about who would be photographing our big day. I'm just thrilled she wasn't already booked. She's a busy busy lady. We've also decided to go with Camp Ben McCulloch. We've been out there 3 times in the last month just to make sure it's *the* place and especially for the price it just can't be beat. I'm thrilled! We've made a tentative decision on food and booze and have nailed down the time of day. And I've picked out a dress. Now we're left with the biggest and in my opinion the most important part of the day - the ceremony. We have some ideas, but haven't solidified anything yet. Finding an officiate will help with that part I'm sure.

Oh! And with booking the venue comes the final date: 11/7/09. Be there or be square!

With all the ideas and pictures I've been collecting over the last two months, I finally created an inspiration board. Enjoy...

Now if only we could convince a few certain family members that we're not doing this to spite them. That we really do love each other and intend to spend the rest of our lives together. And while we'll be thrilled if they decide to join us on our big day, if they don't, it will still happen and it will still be just as meaningful.

A guide to gracious living...

2008-12-27T16:03:00.000-06:00

My darling Santa gave me a wonderful Christmas this year involving fun presents and an only slightly awkward day with the future in laws. Oh, and a stomach bug, but I think I provided that one. It took down at least 10 people that I know of. Darn kidlets and their germs! Of the viral causalities were my parents so I haven't even seen them yet, their presents are still under the tree.

One of my most wonderful gifts is an update of something I already have. I have a slight obsession with old etiquette books and marital guidance books. In my collection is Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette from the 1950's. I've actually been using it along with Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings for all my wedding planning etiquette questions. Santa brought me the 50th Anniversary Edition of the Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette(!!!). I'm so excited that I can now use a little more updated information for my oh so traditional Big Fat Lesbian Wedding (as D has so kindly dubbed it). I wonder what Amy Vanderbilt would think.

Also, I finished designing my invites. They turned out far better than I could have imagined. Now we just have to finalize the details so we can get started on the slightly labor intensive process of actually making the invites. Just a peek:

Wedding Nightmares

2008-12-24T11:40:00.001-06:00

I've now officially had two wedding related nightmares and I still have 11 months. Last night's was so cliche. I was having an 11am wedding (which I'm not) and it was 10:45 and I wasn't even close to dressed. I didn't have the baskets or leaves for the flower boys and I apparently had bridesmaid crashers. There were two random girls who decided they were to be bridesmaids instead of D's sisters. In my dream I kept telling everyone that that wedding would start just a few minutes late. Oh, and I kept getting lost and was driving around in circles trying to get to the venue. Every time I'd get going I'd realized I'd forgotten one more thing and I'd have to stop.

In the first dream, I hated my dress. It was the same color as the one I've picked out but the similarities stopped there. It was woven and thick and had a high collar and long sleeves. In my dream I was trying to keep it clean so I could return it just to realize it was getting dirty and there were pulls in the thread.

There are two major similarities in the dreams:
1. In both dreams it was like I was going to have a second wedding. I wanted to keep the dress clean so I could return it and wear the good one for the next wedding and in the second dream I kept thinking everything would run more smoothly the next time round. It must be the budding event planner poking through my subconscious.
2. In neither dream were the issues about D and whether I want to marry her it was all about the event and all the little things that could go wrong.

Venue Shmenue

2008-12-14T18:22:00.000-06:00

Trying to find a wedding venue has me wanting to shoot myself in the foot and call the whole thing off. Perhaps the internet isn't the best place to stumble upon that diamond in the rough. I can't seem to find any outdoor wedding venue within 50 miles of Austin that costs less than $3,500 and also includes a ton of random fees that would surely knock that up to $5,000. And they all look so...so canned. Perhaps I'm unconventional but the thought of getting married somewhere that's perfectly manicured and covered top to bottom in twinkling lights and dew glistening flowers makes me ill. The last thing I want is for people to worry that they're under dressed or the kids to be bored beyond recognition (not to mention the adults!).

The truth is, however, that I think I've found the perfect place already. It's this private campsite in Driftwood, TX by the Salt Lick. We drove out Saturday so I could show it to D (I'd been there once before for a wedding reception) and she immediately said it was too rustic. But then followed up that she just wasn't sold on it yet. There's huge sprawling oaks everywhere and big stone picnic tables and the two pavilions are built with cedar trunks and tin roofs. I do acknowledge that the place is pretty monochromatic between the brown leaves, brown limestone, brown ground etc but I think we could easily fix that.

She wants to keep looking so I've been digging through the internet for that one place that doesn't look too made up and cost more than my first year of college and I can't seem to find it. I really think this place is it. I just have a little more convincing to do.

This is it, think I can make it work?

wedding porn

2008-12-08T21:52:00.000-06:00

I want this invitation. I will never have this invitation. As lovely as this may be, I don't have the budget to spend $300 on invitations that will go up on people's fridges until a month after the wedding then go in a drawer somewhere or the trash. But even so...they're soooo pretty.

(Invitations found here)

ch ch ch changes

2008-12-08T14:43:00.000-06:00

So it's been a week and we've already decided that a two-year engagement is absurd. The whole idea behind waiting was to pay of debt and buy a house. Well, I highly doubt we'll be able to buy the house we want in a year so I think we'll just be happy renters for a few more years. This means wedding!

As usually happens, this decision was made at 10:30 last night before what should have been a very early Monday morning. We then sat up until midnight talking about guest lists and officiants. I began my frantic search for something to write on because I just absolutely have to make lists - it's time to procure some sort of wedding notebook where I can make silly drawings and lists galore. Otherwise I'll end up with scraps of paper all over the place. In theory, I'd love to transcribe much of my brainstorming and note taking here - but I don't want to give up all my secrets.

We're setting a very slim budget (somewhere in the $3,000-$5,000 range, ideally less) and planning to do as much of the work ourselves as we can. I have an amazing and talented best friend who will be doing the photography at the wedding as well as engagement portraits and another dear friend who actually asked if she could shoot my bridal portraits (who would turn that down?). Due to my dear best friends success in the wedding photography world we had to set our date early to make sure she's available not only to shoot the wedding but to be there to hold my hand.

Now my mind is completely swimming in wedding plans:
The wedding will be a casual-ish, outdoor party in November. Decorations will be minimal. The colors will be autumn-ey and we'll use as much nature as we can, fall leaves and pumpkins and we'll raid the after Christmas sales for lights. We want to make our own invitations and found an inexpensive website to make save the date magnets -overnight prints. I intend to commission friends to make cupcakes and help with set up and clean up. I picked out my dress months ago (yes, I'm that girl) and we finally figured out last night what D might wear.

The one thing we have no real idea about yet is the ceremony. It will be purely a 'commitment ceremony' of sorts (though we both hate that phrase), seeing as we have no legal or religious rights to marry. In a sense we have absolute freedom to tailor our ceremony to us as we aren't bound by ordination. It will be quite an exercise in figuring out what part of our love and relationship we want to convey to our friends and family. I look forward to it, but in some small ways envy those who have it all spelled out for them.

Engaged!

2008-11-30T18:48:00.000-06:00

We're engaged! Last night, after a long evening with my family, Diana got down on one knee and said the sweetest words I've ever heard. Of course the second she got down on her knee my mind went fuzzy. I wish I'd installed that secret web cam so I could record forever those heart-felt words. Then she pulled out my Grandmother's engagement ring and all I could say was "are you for real?" She said yes as she pulled out another ring and asked me to marry her. I immediately started to cry. And continued crying for the next several hours. I had to be prompted to say yes (even though I was already wearing the ring). It's still so surreal...we've been talking about it for months, but now to be engaged. Now that D is my fiance, my whole world is different.

We're planning a long engagement, November 2010. We have a lot to accomplish in the next 2 years, and it doesn't seem right to get married until we've taken care of those things. Now I'm on the mission for the perfect wedding that fits our dream and our budget.

Covet

2008-11-20T14:08:00.000-06:00

I want this house. The trees and red garage door and the sheer old lady-ness of it makes my heart pitter-patter. It's too bad my credit is shot and we have too much debt.

Stop the H8

2008-11-15T17:27:00.000-06:00

Today I joined over 3000 people on the steps of Austin's City Hall for a protest on California's Proposition 8. It amazed me the number of straight people who were there supporting their gay brother, sister, cousin, mom, friend etc...

We found out about jointheimpact.com last week and watched the site explode with national support. I printed out the logo "Stop the H8" on iron on transfers and made us t-shirts and this afternoon we headed downtown. Scared that no one would show, I insisted that we drive past first before hunting for parking. As we approached City Hall there were a few people walking around holding flags and signs. Then we turned the corner and it was amazing. All you could see were thousands of people with signs and flags and dogs and babies. It was so overwhelming being part of such a demonstration. But devastating at the same time, knowing we were all there begging for the right for gay people to marry. It seems like such a benign basic right. If you don't agree with two women or two men marrying, don't do it but why must you insist on taking away my basic human rights?

Now it's my turn. To get involved in any way I can and to vote vote vote. Until then I'll continue living my life in a relationship that is just as valuable as your marriage.

Squish

2008-11-02T21:22:00.000-06:00

So I've turned into a complete and total mush-ball lately. I've become obsessed with wedding blogs and wedding photography. Most especially either or both of the above that feature same sex couples. I curl up on the couch with my laptop and read and read and tear up over stories of couple's magic day. I think it's becoming a bit of an obsession. I've started looking at wedding dresses and ring settings and caterers and venues. And I'm not even engaged. Though I suppose I might as well be. I'm in love. I knew when I met D 5 years ago that there was something special about her and what we had together. It took several years to get to where we are now, but it was worth the wait. Now I don't want to wait another minute. All I can thing about is standing up in front of everyone we know and love and sharing our love with them. I want to commit myself to our life together in front of as many witnesses as we can find. And babies. I want babies. Or maybe just one since it will be most likely be a lengthy and expensive process. My clock is ticking loudly in her ear and I'm sure is driving her crazy. But that's ok. I'll continue lurking on wedding blogs and saving pictures for my "wedding board" into a folder on my desktop and when the time comes I'll be prepared!

disillusioned...

2008-10-08T20:47:00.000-05:00

I was that kid who made church pews out of scrabble square holders and had my barbies get married over and over and over. I watched Cinderella and teared up at the thought of that someday being me. I'd sit in church and day dream about how it would look when I got married there. I'd cut pictures out of my Seventeen and YM magazines to show what kind of dress I wanted (strapless, poofy, princess gown). I hit high school still day dreaming about my perfect wedding. Somewhere in there I started to realize that my Prince Charming wasn't going to be a man. That doesn't matter. I still want the dress and the flowers and the ring and the happily ever after. And so does she. She wants me to have that dream wedding I've always wanted. Hell she sends me links to wedding blogs (apracticalwedding.com Love!) and we aren't even engaged. Everything is perfect.

Except the church.

I grew up in the Episcopal church. I was nurtured and taught and loved and I've never once felt discriminated against. Until now and it absolutely breaks my heart. I'm supported and accepted as long as I don't expect the same rights as everyone else. As long as I remember that I'm different. What hurts the most is that there is no official discrimination. According to the Episcopal church the bishop can actually grant a priest's request to 'marry' a same sex couple. Unfortunately I live in Texas. I went out on a limb and emailed my childhood priest asking him where the church currently stood. He wrote me back this incredibly thoughtful and supportive email letting me know how happy he is to hear I'm happy and in love and that he'd be more than happy to provide pre-marital counseling for us but he can't marry us. He caught hell from the bishop for simply attending a same sex union much less officiating one. He explained that the bishop faces pressure from the fancy conservative high churches (thank you Houston and Dallas) who threaten to pull their funding if he so much as smiles in the way of same sex unions.

So that's it. I can't walk down the aisle that my parents walked down in the church where I was baptized and raised and taught about God and love and the difference between right and wrong because I'm gay. He kindly offered to talked to churches in California for us if we liked but it's not the same. I keep entertaining ideas of us becoming members of one of the gay friendly churches in Austin who will marry us but it's not the same. Maybe I'm being a stubborn kid about this, but it feels to me like having to go out and find a new parent to walk me down the aisle because, while my current parent loves and supports me, he doesn't agree with me marrying a girl so I'll have to find someone else to stand in. That's not love. That's not support. That's not acceptance. I think maybe it's time to do some serious lobbying to the new bishop in town or it's time to find a new church. Permanently.

good

2008-07-29T12:12:00.000-05:00

My life is perfect. I have the job, I have the house, I have the girl. Today is our 1 year anniversary. One year since we lay sweaty and intertwined in a hotel bed and she asked me to be her girl. One year since I said yes. One year since we started this journey away from our past and toward our future. One year since she moved out, and I moved out. One year since we both escaped the screaming and guilt and anger. We have the most amazing love. We're kind to each other. We cooperate and communicate. After a full year of this I can't imagine anything being more perfect. I want to spend the rest of my life waking up in her arms.

school is for losers

2008-06-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

Now I remember why I graduated from college. I hate studying. Hate. With an all out passion. I don't care even a little bit about the three waves in modern social history and their implications for organizations. Or even the key variables for creating a customer-responsive culture. I suppose I should, since I'm taking this course to theoretically advance my career. But it's after 9 on a Sunday, I have a test tomorrow I cracked the book for the first time yesterday over a whiskey and coke. I don't care.

At least I had a good home cooked meal today. D and I had lunch and birthday dessert at the parents today. It's always so nice to watch her interact with my family. They like her and she likes them and it's a very good thing because we're all going to be stuck together for a long, long time.

temper tantrum

2008-06-07T00:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I had better control of my emotions. I feel myself getting frustrated and annoyed and I try so hard to ignore it and push it away and it just doesn't work. I feel the lines between my eyebrows growing deeper and the muscles in my neck tighten up and my jaw lock. And I fight against it so hard but that act alone just makes me want to cry. I start feeling childish and immature. Like all I want to do is throw this huge temper tantrum and have her stop everything and fix it, but instead I scowl and blog and avoid eye contact. It's times like this that I envy the toddlers I work with. They wear all their emotions on their sleeves. If they want your attention they demand it. If they don't like what you're doing they throw their head back, unhinge their jaw and howl. That's what I want to do right now. I want to chuck the remote into the TV and stomp my feet and demand that she pay attention to me. I want them to go away and leave us alone for a change. I want her to show interest in what I've been waiting all evening to show her. I'm that little kid whose daddy is to busy for her. I've waited all evening working on silly projects just for her. Thinking about her, keeping busy so I'll be awake when she gets home...and she makes a drink and shoots zombies. I know work is taxing and she's stressed...but I miss her and I have this drawing that I want her to put up on the fridge...but she just doesn't have time. Maybe I'll just send myself to bed with no dinner.

wedding bells

2008-06-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

My best friend is getting married. We're talking 12 year olds in Algebra class braiding each other's hair. Evening's spent sitting in front of Monty Python movies eating mint-choco-chip ice cream. Thursday upon Thursday spent in the back of Steve's truck "cruising" the drag. Trying to impress boys and then struggling with the reality of me being gay. Dealing with remaining best friends across the country when I moved in 10th grade. I love her like a sister and like her so much more. She is my family and I'm so incredibly thrilled that she's happy and in love. This moment we fantasized as love-sick teenagers. We've been through so much together and I'll never be able to articulate just how much this moment means.

reconnect

2008-06-01T13:59:00.000-05:00

Part of entering the real world...the professional world...is learning how to juggle it all without losing sight of what's really important. I'm in love with the most amazing person I have ever met. We've been living together for a few months are are quickly approaching our one year anniversary. She works a fairly demanding job as do I. We're having to learn how to leave our jobs at work and come home and be together, truly together. We spend so much of our time sitting inches away from each other while being miles apart. Her mind is caught up in call stats and profit sharing, mine in enrollment and hiring. I wake up each morning with a to-do list at work already on the tip of my tongue. How can I truly be connected with this one who rules my night and day if I'm caught up in how I'm going to keep ratio in the toddler room on Monday. We were together last night...eye to eye...heart to heart...and suddenly everything around us melted away. We let go and were finally together. No work, no roommates, no exes...and I cried. I was so overwhelmed by how much I miss her that I cried. It was the most intense relief. Not to mention the most intense amazing night. I'm so completely in love and so completely happy. I never thought it could be this good.

Thank you, darling, for loving me so well.

and...

2008-05-22T22:26:00.000-05:00

suddenly I feel like I'm in way over my head

good.bad.

2008-05-17T15:50:00.000-05:00

Sending my girlfriend home to her parents' house for the night. Bad.
Lunch with a good friend I don't spend nearly enough time with and her two younger boys. Good.
Ross on a Saturday afternoon with infant in tow. Bad.
Hearing that my girl's little sister is asking about me. Good.
Having to sleep alone then get up early(ish) in the morning. Bad.
An hour in the house by myself for the first time in a week. Good.

paranoid much?

2008-05-16T22:25:00.001-05:00

five six seven eight

2008-05-16T20:19:00.000-05:00

The roommate dance is a tricky tricky dance that I obviously can't do without tripping - a lot - and falling on my face. I have two left feet when it comes social interactions...with my 2 roommates and girlfriend...so 3, count 'em 3 other people in the house. That's 4 people, a dog (soon to be 2 dogs) and a cat all living under one roof. I've only ever had one roommate at a time so this is a whole new experience for me. It amazes me how much innuendo and assumptions play a role. I have a bad day and suddenly the whole house thinks I don't like them. Or my house mate is cranky and I'm racked with guilt over whatever it is that I must have done to upset them. I think we finally hit the breaking point where we've figured out that we (gasp) actually have to talk to each other. I'm expecting it all be uphill from here. I'm learning that I can't always wear my opinions and emotions on my sleeve and sometimes I have to play nice simply for the sake of peace. I've never been all that good at that. But considering work stuff it's probably a good skill to learn. I always thought that once I got out of college my roommate days would be over. But here I am, almost 27 and having to learn how to live and play well with others. As long as I don't run with scissors I'm safe.

growing up

2008-05-15T21:35:00.000-05:00

So I've always had this theory that when people grew up it just happened. You'd be living your life then suddenly blink and be an adult. I was wrong. I find myself in the most bizarre position of having to grow up. I've been in the same profession for years. 11 to be exact and I've certainly put in my time and worked my way up through the ranks. Last month I unexpectedly had the next big professional step fall into my lap. And now I'm questioning everything. Especially when it comes to my professional image. One of the big things I've always loved about my job was that jeans/t-shirt/flip-flops were my daily uniform. I have my ear lobes stretched to a 00g and tattoos on my chest. I've always been taken seriously by those around me as I've always done more than what was required of me and therefore earned more respect and responsibility. It's still those same people looking at me every day and having to answer to me but suddenly it's all different. Do I take out my earings? Do I make it a point to cover my tattoos? Do I actively hide the fact that I'm a lesbian? I feel too young to be in this position and am therefore trying to overcompensate to prove I really am a professional. It kind of makes me want to go back to my undergrad years.